Monday, August 16, 2004

Thoughts outloud!

Hey, that's me again! I am listening to Naseer Shamma's music, this music is sooo inspiring, it just triggers a stream of thoughts in my mind that I can't control or stop. I feel the erge to write and I feel I have sooo many things to say; yet, nothing at all!!! It's wierd, I really don't know what to write but I feel I must have something to say!

Well, the thing about the music is that it combines a mixture of feelings that I feel represents me in a way, or represents my identities! It's sad, yet there is a certain element of hope and freedom in it! There is this melancholy part to it, it makes me imagine I am sitting alone in a closed dark room, where I am in touch with my inner self and stuck to person I really am, and not the one I should be or people want me to be! In some verses of the music I feel it's speaking regret over all the missed chances and the lost times, it purifies you of your sins and makes you vividly see them and get rid of them, at other verses, I hear it chanting happiness and joy, the kind of joy in a baby stepping his first steps and falling to the ground :) joy of fresh beginnings and sweet memories! At other verses, I hear victory and rebellion, rebellion over all the chains and the barriers, sounds of freedom and breaking free!

It takes me through my life and experiences and makes me wonder about all the the things I've done and all the things I'm contemplating doing! I gives me the feeling I am such a tiny bit in that whole grand universe, a grain of sand in a vast desert, or a drop of water in a never ending sea! It's funny how we are sooo weak and vulnerable from inside, no matter how strong, and capable we think we are, we still amount to nothing! I am not being pessimistic here or anything, it's just that I am realizing my true state!

I am sure you all took that Arabic poem at school about the ant and the mountain, we all took that in school, it might have sounded ridiculous back then and we thought what's this nonsense that we have to memories, but if you come to think about it for a while, you'd realize how deep that meaning was. I can't fully remember the verses but it was something like that: " Khashayat al namla men haybat el taud el mo3azam" and the story then goes that it started contemplating what if the mountain collapsed on her, and she couldn't help but become terrified! But the thing is if she(I mean the ant here) left herself to freeze into that moment of terror, she would have probably died, I can' remember the end of the poem though, I think she fell in a pond of water or something!

I really don't know why I am writing this, to some of you I am sure this absolute nonsense, but believe it or not to me it means something, it touches a part of me that's tooo confused and lost, a part that doesn't know where to belong,a part that sometimes confuses right for wrong, a part that wants to rebel and break free, that's always critical and refuses to believe we all see the same green! I dunno if that's he insane part of me, I mean I sometimes wonder who's that person talking that people see ass me? Who's the person behind the mask? Is it really me or somebody else, is it another identity how lies within me! I even sometimes think maybe I am living in my own world, and all what I experience and sense is a pure illusion! Imagine if that's true that every single person is living in their own world and illusion and nothing is real or true around him,it's only him and it's all in his head! Only the thought scares me to death!

:)))))) here comes the part of the music where I feel it's speaking rebellion and victory, then the next line is remembering the sad and lonely times but then cheering and waving for the victory!

I guess I'll leave with that thought; I might have sounded crazy, but this is the stream of thoughts that is running through my mind now without any decoration or sweet talk, if you are reading this, then you have stepped inside the mind of a cosmopolitan living being for a while, and got introduced to some of her nonsense or confusions or whatever you'd like to call it!!!


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