Monday, August 16, 2004

Thoughts outloud!

Hey, that's me again! I am listening to Naseer Shamma's music, this music is sooo inspiring, it just triggers a stream of thoughts in my mind that I can't control or stop. I feel the erge to write and I feel I have sooo many things to say; yet, nothing at all!!! It's wierd, I really don't know what to write but I feel I must have something to say!

Well, the thing about the music is that it combines a mixture of feelings that I feel represents me in a way, or represents my identities! It's sad, yet there is a certain element of hope and freedom in it! There is this melancholy part to it, it makes me imagine I am sitting alone in a closed dark room, where I am in touch with my inner self and stuck to person I really am, and not the one I should be or people want me to be! In some verses of the music I feel it's speaking regret over all the missed chances and the lost times, it purifies you of your sins and makes you vividly see them and get rid of them, at other verses, I hear it chanting happiness and joy, the kind of joy in a baby stepping his first steps and falling to the ground :) joy of fresh beginnings and sweet memories! At other verses, I hear victory and rebellion, rebellion over all the chains and the barriers, sounds of freedom and breaking free!

It takes me through my life and experiences and makes me wonder about all the the things I've done and all the things I'm contemplating doing! I gives me the feeling I am such a tiny bit in that whole grand universe, a grain of sand in a vast desert, or a drop of water in a never ending sea! It's funny how we are sooo weak and vulnerable from inside, no matter how strong, and capable we think we are, we still amount to nothing! I am not being pessimistic here or anything, it's just that I am realizing my true state!

I am sure you all took that Arabic poem at school about the ant and the mountain, we all took that in school, it might have sounded ridiculous back then and we thought what's this nonsense that we have to memories, but if you come to think about it for a while, you'd realize how deep that meaning was. I can't fully remember the verses but it was something like that: " Khashayat al namla men haybat el taud el mo3azam" and the story then goes that it started contemplating what if the mountain collapsed on her, and she couldn't help but become terrified! But the thing is if she(I mean the ant here) left herself to freeze into that moment of terror, she would have probably died, I can' remember the end of the poem though, I think she fell in a pond of water or something!

I really don't know why I am writing this, to some of you I am sure this absolute nonsense, but believe it or not to me it means something, it touches a part of me that's tooo confused and lost, a part that doesn't know where to belong,a part that sometimes confuses right for wrong, a part that wants to rebel and break free, that's always critical and refuses to believe we all see the same green! I dunno if that's he insane part of me, I mean I sometimes wonder who's that person talking that people see ass me? Who's the person behind the mask? Is it really me or somebody else, is it another identity how lies within me! I even sometimes think maybe I am living in my own world, and all what I experience and sense is a pure illusion! Imagine if that's true that every single person is living in their own world and illusion and nothing is real or true around him,it's only him and it's all in his head! Only the thought scares me to death!

:)))))) here comes the part of the music where I feel it's speaking rebellion and victory, then the next line is remembering the sad and lonely times but then cheering and waving for the victory!

I guess I'll leave with that thought; I might have sounded crazy, but this is the stream of thoughts that is running through my mind now without any decoration or sweet talk, if you are reading this, then you have stepped inside the mind of a cosmopolitan living being for a while, and got introduced to some of her nonsense or confusions or whatever you'd like to call it!!!

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Whether the Glass is Half Full or Half Empty isn't the Question?

Hi, been a while since I last"blogged" :) well, I've been writing in my diary though, well I just felt in the mood to jot some things down. Nothing specific though, just free writing!

So what has been going on lately with me? Nothing much, today I went and picked up my acceptance letter for the MBA from AUC, and I got the photography book (I am currently taking photography classes, that's why). Anyway, I met one of my best friends' (Laila) mother, she is an extremely nice lady and she works at AUC, I chatted with her for a while and we agreed to travel somewhere when Laila comes back, she's in Beirut now and she's supposed to come back next Sundy!

To those of you who don't know laila, she's just graduated from AUC with a major in Theatre and a minor in Arabic Literature, she is a very interesting girl, and we have lots in common, I just adore that girl :) Anyway, her mum is also a sweetheart and was really delighted that I met her this morning!

Then I went and had a coffee at Cilantro infront of AUC, then I came back home and then I went out and did some girlie stuff ;) well, for those who know me they know I am not a girls' fan and I think they have a talent for complicating things and if I am allowed to borrow the term "sweating over simple stuff" hahahahhahhaha, but on the other hand I have never regretted being a girl, not that I had the choice hahahha, but seriously there something special about being a woman :)

By the way don't get me wrong, I was never a feminist and I do NOT believe in equality between a man and a woman!!!! Strange to hear that? Well it's true I believe a man is a man and a woman is a woman and doesn't undermine the status of women or dictate they are second degree citizens, on the contrary, I think it gives them pride,charm, and delicacy. I mean, I enjoy being taken care of by a man and I don't mind compromising lots of things for him, as long as he respects me and I am left to do that willingly, there is no point about being stubborn and insisting of taking control, I just see it's a waste of energy and time and it burns the relationship! Did you ever hear the joke:

"If a wife always laughs at her husband's jokes, is he funny, or is she smart?" ;)

Well, it's more important to be smart when it comes to relationships and it's no big deal to do the things that satisfy your partner for you both to be happy, the problem comes in I guess when one is to arrogant to compensate for the other, then it becomes a problem and what could have been resolved in less than a second, becomes a life long dispute!

I think women who believe in equality are too stubborn to accept the truth. It's a fact of life :) But an idea struck me a couple of days ago when I was arguing with one of my friends and it has made me realize a very important conclusion. Well, she thought all Egyptian men are selfish and that she wanna marry a foreigner and that she hates being here. I found myself arguing the other way round and I wished her good luck, it seems she got pissed at my reaction and she thought I was being sarcastic when I was really not! Not to get into much detail about that story, the idea that struck me that I was talking about was:

If you show a person a half full, half empty glass of water and asked him, is this glass half empty or half full? Suppose he said it was half empty, while you said it was half full and you both started arguing? Could you prove him wrong just by proving the glass is half full?

the answer is "NO" because it is a fact that the glass is also half empty!!!!!

What I mean is that some ppl are living in the half empty, while others are living in the half full part of the glass and each hasn't experienced qualities of the other, which make each of them stick to their views and prejudices, without ever trying to consider the other person's world!!! and that is the whole point!

I found it useless to keep on arguing because I discovered we are each living in a separate world, or if I could call it a "bubble", and as much as I was convinced with what I believed about the issue, she was also, so it wa unfair to just impose my views on another!

the whole point out of this story I think is that it made me realize that each of us is living into a closed circle, I am not going into the argument of is this healthy or not, cause it's endless and goes back to the same point of being purely subjective. But, it is at least Constructive in a way that every once in a while we step out of our circles and watch the rest of the players, or even join in others' circles too, we might then discover we are different people all together!








Saturday, August 07, 2004

Dunno what to call this one maybe "Love: the pigeons way" :)

Hey, it's 10:45 a.m now, I woke up at 7:00 (pretty early I know...... hahha), went to my massage session from 8-9:00, then went and bought a colour negative for my first photography assignment (but I haven' figured yet who's the victim hehehehehhe, guess I'll call one of my trainers in the gym, he's really cool and I think he'd look good in pictures, bas lets hope he agrees hahahahahhaha....That would be sooooo much fun :) Anyway, then I did my usual morning cruise into the streets of beautiful Cairo to downtown and Zamalek, grabbed a coffee from Cilantro and sipped it slowly on my way back, was listening to Sting, my God he's a real artist, I just love his music and his lyrics it's sooooooo damn good!

I got the CD "The Best of the Police and Sting" yesterday evening, it's a really cool one and it has all the nice songs except for my favorite that I still can't find "Shape of my Heart", this is such a cool song and the words are soooo symbolic! I particularly like: "An English Man in New York" "be yourself no matter what they say" isn't that the best line ever, I've always thought about it, do I be myself or conform to what I have to be, some ppl tell me I am very impulsive and that I am too open, but that's just the way I am , I dunno how to play mind games and tricks on ppl, I am just direct and lots of friends think I should be more mysterious u know hhahahahahahhahah well I really don't care, I'll just be myself no matter what they say ;)

Another particular song that I like is: "If you love somebody set them free" I just totally believe in that song and I believe if someone truly cares about someone else they should set them free, this reminds me of the pigeons, I particularly like to watch the pigeons, they are my symbol for freedom, the thing is, if you have pigeons you feed them and offer them shelter and they are free to roam the open sky, the fascinating thing about them is that they always come back home and they never run away, it's choice not chance, they were left to fly and they were free to either come back or leave forever yet they always came back! That's basically love from my point of view, it's freedom and space; it's choice not chance!

well, I don't mean to be philosophical or anything, but it's only a thought that struck cuz I am always the one who listens to endless stories of friends in relationships who are constantly complaining, and I realized that there is a common thread between all the stories, they are all tieing each other in chains, no setting free, always afraid of losing that other person, not realized it was basically that other person's choice to be with them,which means they were free not to get into it in the first place and this has to mean there was something special about being with that particular person, so instead of worrying too much, they can just think what was that special something about them and try t nurture it instead of killing it with too much jealousy and shit, to everyone out there, let me tell you one advise "el gheera fel 7ob khateera hhahhaahahhahahhaha" :)))

Anyway, I dunno why I got in the mood for being a mosle7a egtema3eya? Sociology/Anthropology 3ala Psychology hahhahahaahhahaha, I am going crazy wala eih? la2 la2 la2 ana lazem 2amshy 7alan abl mabtedy 2a2oool ay kalam fel 7amam, hahahhahahahaha, to anyone who read this sorry for that, but there is something about personal freedom that just gets me excited, so don't open this subject infront of me or else mesh hatekhlaso meny hahahahhahahhahaha, anyway gotta go now, see u later :))))))))


Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Movies!

I just realized my yesterday's post was very negative, so i decided i have to write something more cheerful today :))))) it's just that i got unnecessarily affected by yesterday's incident, anyway lets not get into that story again!

So what has been going on? i went to the movies yesterday night, i watched Spider Man 2, i loved the movie, if any of you still hasn't gone, i suggest you go, and if you decide you're going, u can tell me, i don't mind seeing it again as a matter of fact hahahhahaha! there are a couple of other movies that i wanna go see, Youssef Chahine's new movie, one of my best best friends Laila was working on the costume design and Youssra El Lozy is starring in it, theey say she's a babe in the movie, apart from the fact she is a babe in real life ;) so i am excited to see it, also there is another that i thought i'd never say i want to see, but after i saw the preview yesterday i decided i want to go "Ghaby meno fee" or something like that, mesh fakra el 2esm bezabt, starring Nellie Karim, bamout feeha, she's just sooooo funny :) and Hani Ramzy! as for Mohamed Heneidy's new movie, i think it sucks bigtime, i didn't see it bas i saw the preview yesterday, same old jokes and style, khalas zehet men Mohamed Heneidy begad!
I heard mixed opinions on Adel Imam's new movie though, which makes me tempted to go see it too! Eih da ana maro7tesh talaterba3 el 2aflam 3ala fekra! need to start going more to the movies i suppose hahahhaha :)

I watched "The Devil's Own" this morning, my favorite celebrity: BRAD PITT, this actor is just sooo good, ya3ny sebko men eno begad mozza gidan ;) bas begad kaman beymasel hayel, wezareef wekol 7aga, walahy 7aga tefara7 en fee nas keda 3aysheen bas bardo 7aga te7azen: we never get to meet any of them grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!

anyway, it's 3:45 p.m now, i'll probably go exercise in the evening, then i dunno haven't got any plans yet, i have to finish some stuff for work though, i might be doing those tonight!

anyway ana hamshy ba2a badal ma2abtedy 2a2ool ay kalam hahahhahahhha!




Monday, August 02, 2004

i can't believe it!!!

Shit, i can't believe i did that, i am on the verge of crying! i screwed up her day bigtime! well, woke up early and was too bored to sit at home, so i decided to go out cruise, i went out heading first to downtown taking el azhar street, i then passed by tahrir, zamalek, mohandessin, then back to heliopolis through the bridge, on my way back i was listenning to Sting, so i decided to go buy music, i went to a music store in heliopolis, i can't remember it's name, infront of cinema Normandy, i parked my car second row cuz there was no parking,spots, anyway, after parking, my car kept moving slowly backward and there was a car parked behind me, so i used my breaks to make it move slowly, then it stopped touching the car behind me gently without any bruises, i went into the store and as i was inside, a lady came in and was like"excuse me are so you have a Peugeot parked outside, i was like yes, she was like your car has hit my car, it's stuck to it, so i was like no imade sure my car didn't hit yours when i was parking and she was like then come and look, so i went outside with her and here it wass my car stuck to hers, it appears my car has a hook from behind and that hook has penetrated the lady's eksedam and she was very pissed i could see it in her eyes in her tone of voice, so i was like "i am very sorry, but i'll fix it for you, and i 'll do aything you want" so she was like i had just got it from repair cuz someone hit it llast week, i felt soooo bad for her, and put myself in her shoes, and thought: "what if it was my car that was hit? i kept apologising and i told her i know that i knew the word "sorry"could even make her more pissed, but that i was willing to do whatever she wanted and she said ok, so do u know somene to fix it i was like i don't but it's your call, if you know someone or you want to take it to the car's service, anything, she thought and then she was like "bossy khalas" i was like "are you sure" she was like yes, and then guess what she was like "merci lezo2ek" and she really menat it!!!!

Believe it or not this sentance is giving my guilt trips, i can't believe i hit her car and screwed her day and then i get thanked for it! Oh God i really feel like crying hard now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!